Marriage may sound like a bizarre concept; must’ve have been G-d's idea. Who else would bring together two opposites under one roof to share a life? Who else could invent an institution as beautiful and powerful as marriage? Wacky--but it works. It is precisely its absurdity that makes marriage a unique experience.

An exciting aspect of marriage is the discovery of the profound differences between men and women, and how they complement each other. These differences are not just biological. On every level of our being--intellectual, emotional, psychological and spiritual--men and women seem to come from different planets.

You don't have to be married to realize this. We see it in our parents, our siblings, and our friends. But only in marriage do you appreciate and enjoy these differences. What you made fun of in your little sister you may love in your wife; and the things that made your brother an obnoxious brat could make your husband into the man you love.

Is it just social conditioning that makes a man a man and a woman a woman, or are we born that way? Is masculinity a hormone, a feeling, or a way men are educated? Are women trained to be feminine or are they innately so?

There are many theories on the gender issue. The approach of Jewish mysticism, or Kabbalah is unique and revolutionary; the source of male/female identity is beyond nature and nurture. It is our very soul; men and women have different soul-roots.

In Kabbalistic terms, men's souls come from divine transcendence; women's souls come from divine immanence. Transcendence is the divine quality of being beyond; immanence is the equally divine quality of being present. These male /female aspects of the Divine are reflected in man and woman down here in the human realm.

Although every individual is unique and we don't all fit into over-simplified definitions, in a general sense there is a clear distinction between male and female spiritual postures. Their diverse soul-sources translate into different personas. Men are more removed souls; geared to provide the direction in the relationship. Women are more involved souls; bringing presence to the marriage.

In certain situations this contrast becomes more obvious and exaggerated. Let's look at a few examples.

Preparing for their wedding, Joanne complains that Eddie doesn’t seem so excited. When it comes to choosing the menu, Eddie tells Joanne that she can decide on her own--he really doesn't mind if the salad is served with French or Italian dressing. The color scheme is totally up to her, he'll go along with whatever she likes, even if it's mauve (he's not sure what 'mauve' is).

Joanne runs to see how the invitations turned out, and Eddie doesn't bother to look at them. When she shows them to him he doesn't even notice the watermark in the paper that spells their names in calligraphy. Any mention of the wedding and she is overcome with excitement; he hasn't even bought a suit yet.

Eddie is excited--but in his own way. Eddie is excited to get married, but for him getting married has nothing to do with a menu or decorations. It’s an event--the details don't interest him. But for Joanne, every detail of the wedding makes the event. In each detail is the stamp of her personality. She is involved. He is removed.

Another example: Adam and Lisa just attended a self-help lecture. The speaker spent an hour and a half suggesting strategies to improve your life. Lisa is on fire, inspired, and ready to start implementing major changes in her life. Adam is still wondering how much the speaker gets paid per appearance. Asked how he found the speech, he responds with "interesting," "well-presented," "entertaining"-- distant and impersonal assessments.

Lisa may or may not ever change her life, but she definitely thought about it. For Adam, the ideas were good, but it would take time and great effort to even realize that those ideas may apply to him too. Adam is removed. Lisa is involved.

Raymond and Tammy are reading this very article. The look on Tammy's face shows exactly what she is feeling. She is infuriated. All these generalizations and blanket statements about men and women. I don't fit into these stereotypes! She walks away after three paragraphs. "I can't read this junk," she says. Raymond, not hearing her outburst or noticing her departure, reads on. His face is mostly blank--the only reaction is a slight raise of the eyebrows. He finishes the article, not even realizing that this paragraph was about him, and moves on to look at the advertisements. He may have agreed with the article, maybe not. Ask him to find out. Raymond is removed. Tammy is involved.

Tammy is right. We don't all fit exactly into these molds. In fact, we each have elements of both gender groups--our male and female sides. But in general, there is a male and a female attitude. The male is removed and aloof. The female is present and involved.

There’s nothing wrong with either attitude. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Sometimes it's good to be removed. When it comes to seeing things in context and making judgments, aloofness and objectivity are essential. You can only see things for what they really are when you remain outside of them; once you are involved you can no longer see the big picture. This is the strength of the male soul--distance that allows objectivity.

But objectivity also has its downside. You'll get nowhere if you stay on the sidelines of life and remain a spectator. To be alive and real means getting involved, and for this you need to come down out of the world of theory and immerse yourself in the moment. This is where the female element comes in. It is her sense of involvement and presence that gives life color and personality. It is the woman who makes life real and vibrant, who takes things from the analytical to the experiential, from theory to practice.

Marriage is the ultimate partnership between immanence and transcendence. By each partner learning to share his/her unique perspective while appreciating and connecting to the other's parallel perspective, husband and wife become a balance of complimentary universes. The man guides the woman, the woman leads the man. Man gives perspective, woman gives experience. One without the other is an incomplete picture. Together, they form a unit with the best of both worlds.

This male/female definition explains two Jewish traditions. In the days before the wedding, it is customary for the groom to be called up to the Torah in synagogue, and for the bride to immerse in a Mikvah. These two activities seem worlds apart. Saying blessings over a scroll and dunking in a ritual pool hardly resemble each other. Why such diverse practices for man and woman?

One answer is that these acts are a way for bride and groom to plug in to their respective spiritual sources, to emphasize and nurture the unique contributions each party will bring to the future marriage. The man is to provide direction and stability to the marriage, so he plugs in to the ultimate source of direction and stability--the Torah.

The woman is to bring vitality and experience to the union, so she immerses in life-giving waters. His is an act of theory--a reading. Hers is an act of total envelopment–-immersion. He connects to the source of transcendence; she to the fountain of immanence.

It is no small feat to unite man and woman-- opposites as diverse as heaven and earth, heart and mind, theory and practice. We prepare ourselves by first dipping into our respective spiritual sources--the holy words of Torah and the sacred Mikvah waters. At the Chuppah, a canopy of divine light fuses our souls as one. After the wedding, we have a lifetime to learn how to work together and discover the wonder and beauty of two worlds becoming one.

A pretty wild idea. A pretty good one, too.

Rabbi Aron Moss teaches Kabbalah, Talmud and practical Judaism in Sydney, Australia.