As a child, a friend of mine once heard that a classmate’s parents got divorced. He asked his parents fearfully, “Will you divorce, too?” and they assured him, “Jewish people don’t get divorced.” Unfortunately, that’s no longer true. At some point the observation was redefined: Observant Jews don’t get divorced, maybe others do. But that, too, is untrue. Even the most traditional segments are not immune from divorce, from child and spousal abuse. Even adherence to tradition, at least in a formal way, is no longer—never was—an insurance policy against those evils.

Divorce is not new. Jewish Law, in contradistinction to Catholicism, makes the divorce procedure relatively easy. The Torah recognizes that when marriages are irreconcilable, there’s a mechanism to terminate them. Indeed, one of the great commentator Rashi’s daughters was divorced. This was presumably unusual, but within the mainstream of our tradition. But let’s bear in mind that it is a mistake to judge Judaism by the behavior of Jews. The fact that Jews get divorced doesn’t necessarily reflect on the system, but rather that we don’t live up to the ideals we aspire to. Judaism offers much to improve the quality of our relationships, rather than feed the polarities that push us apart.

Spiritual Qualities
Generally, a spiritual life, honestly pursued, inculcates qualities that are helpful in a relationship:

1) Judaism teaches great sensitivity to others

This includes empathy, feeling the pain of another, sharing in their joys. Some Mitzvot are specifically directed to these ends, notably, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” But besides such direct mitzvot, even other rituals contain moral messages. The story is told that the Chafetz Chaim (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Hakohen) was once invited to a Shabbat meal, and the host was very honored that the great Chafetz Chaim accepted. Coming home from synagogue Friday night, the man saw that his wife forgot to cover the challa. The man was agitated, and loudly berated his wife, yelling, “Why didn’t you cover the Challa!?” The Chafetz Chaim intervened, “Do you know why the challa has to be covered? This is because we normally begin a meal with the blessing on the bread. But Friday night, we start with the Kiddush blessing on wine. In order to spare the bread the humiliation of being relegated to second place, we cover it, so the bread isn’t embarrassed to see that the wine took its place.”

The Chafetz Chaim concluded, “Your concern not to shame the bread actually shamed your wife.” In truth, bread feels no shame, but ritual is used as a symbol. We follow practices to raise our sensitivity level insofar as we relate to others. If one focuses on the ritual to the exclusion of the ethical message within, we’re blind to the forest by focusing on the individual tree.

2) Judaism teaches gratitude and appreciation
The word “Jew” - Yehudi - comes from the word gratitude and appreciation, “Todah” -gratitude is the root of Judaism! The essence of being a Jew is to be grateful to G-d for life’s opportunities. Gratitude and appreciation improve a relationship. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, focus on what we have.

3) resilience is a Jewish Quality
Life has disappointments. People of religious faith believe that G-d will give them the courage to go on. Consider the plight of the inner city children who succumb to hopelessness and despair. Yes, some manage to push forward, and break out. How? Studies show that the presence of someone significant, not necessarily a biological parent, who has shown faith in them allows them to triumph. Well, a religious belief system – that G-d cares - enables us to survive, encouraging us to face adversity.

4) A fourth quality is managing anger
The Talmud describes anger as an idolatrous impulse. A Jew committed to tradition is aware of the destructive impact of anger on oneself and others and will try to control and manage it.

5) a spiritual value system gives us a sense of purpose and meaning.

Viktor Frankl, founder of logotherapy, taught that a sense of transcendent purpose is essential to life as food and drink. Without it, we sink into aimlessness, boredom, and despair. In his Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl quotes Nietzche: “When there is a why a person can bear almost any what.”

Working At a Relationship
A person with a belief system develops internal attributes that help him or her bond with others when they have resilience, sensitivity, control over anger, goals and a sense of ultimate purpose. In order to form a successful relationship, one must first endeavor to be a successful person. Too often, in a relationship we expect the other person to complete us. Unfortunately, the dynamics are such that one must try to be a good person first, so we can bring our best selves into the relationship. Then the alliance becomes greater than the sum of its parts. Marriage does not make a bad person good; it can make a good person better. I don’t claim that mere mechanical adherence to tradition will do the trick. It takes a lot of introspection, study, and spiritual growth. Religiosity and spirituality are related words, but they are not synonymous. Part of the problem in relationships lies in the fact that we don’t invest time and energy (with our spouse) to make something work. The average amount of time spouses spend in meaningful communication (discussing things other than housework) is less than 20 minutes per week.

We are not sharing, communicating or aspiring enough. Yet there’s nothing so important to life as one’s relationship as a parent and as a spouse. No one on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.”

Let’s discuss misplaced priorities. An obsessive/compulsive man who is taking his first trip to Israel wants to be perfectly prepared. Knowing that there would be a 7-hour stopover in Paris, he spent the year before the trip learning French. He arrives in Paris and speaks French like a native. He even orders a Coke in the airport. When he boarded the plane for the final leg of journey, he realized that he had forgotten to learn Hebrew. He was so preoccupied preparing for the stopover that he never paid attention to the needs of his ultimate destination.

We often get obsessed with the transitory and the ephemeral, allowing trivia or negativity of life to consume our attention and energies. At the end of our lives we see the opportunities we’ve missed. Etymologically, the Hebrew word for “sin” is Chet - missed opportunity. Chet is not so much a “sin” as the tragedy of all the good we could have done of which we failed to take advantage.

Learning to be a Giver, not a Taker
We often enter marriage unwilling to commit ourselves to work at it. We are so preoccupied with daily activities, so preoccupied with our jobs, so worn down by our external commitments, that we don’t have the energy to work at a relationship; we just want it to happen by itself. We expect it to grow and deepen and be a source of nachas without putting work into it. We measure the values of a relationship by how many of our desires are met. R’ Leib Chasman once saw a boy in the dining room eating fish with gusto, saying, “I love fish!” So the sage asked him, “If you really love fish, why are you eating it? Shouldn’t you be feeding it and ensuring that it’s comfortable?”

When we talk about “loving” someone we are often really referring to how it gratifies us personally. Such love is selfish - not selfless. It is not a love of giving, not a love of nurturing, but a love of selfish gratification. Where the “love” we bring to a marriage is no deeper than the “love” that boy had for the fish, then our marriages are in trouble.

The ketubah (marriage contract) doesn’t mention anywhere that husband and wife promise to love each other. The ketubah mentions, “I will work, support and honor my wife.” A rabbi once explained that the Hebrew word for love is contained in the term “work.” It doesn’t just mean I will earn money; it means I will work to love. Romantic passion is mostly gratification of one’sphysical needs, but this love is a conscious effort to give of oneself to someone else. That love does not come instinctively. It takes development, time and commitment. In Jewish tradition the true love of a marriage is not the love that precedes the marriage, but the love after marriage that results from giving and sharing and working things out together.

The verse states. “Lo tov” – it is not good - for man, Adam, to be alone. What was Adam missing? Adam was created in the Garden of Eden. Remember, when Eve was created, there was no need to work. A-t that point Adam was supposed to live forever. Fruit was growing from the trees; there was no need to farm. Adam had everything he wanted.

The only thing that Adam was missing was the ability to give of himself to someone else. In terms of Adam as a taker, Adam had it all. But Adam didn’t have the opportunity to give and share with another, because there was no Eve. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your marriage can do for you, but what you can do for your marriage.”

The paradox of marriage is that as we become less concerned with the satisfaction of our needs, we will find that more of our needs are being met. When our spouse feels they are genuinely being cared for, they will go out of their way to care for us. A verse in Proverbs says the way a person relates to another is like staring into a pool of water. When we stare in the pool of water, the face that looks back to us is the face that we reflect into it.

Marriage can be difficult and stressful. There are situations where it is absolutely necessary to separate; where there is severe abuse, etc, there is no warrant to remain in the situation. But we have to share the ups and downs of life and learn to tolerate some frustrations and discomforts for the benefit of a greater goal. We live in an age of instant gratification, where we immediately throw things away when they don’t work. If our clock doesn’t work, we throw it out. Things used to take time. If you wanted to send a letter to New York by pony express it would take two days. Today we have fax machines. If my fax takes 30 seconds, I get tired of waiting and ask why it’s taking so long. We want instant gratification in our jobs, instant gratification in our relationships, instant gratification in our children. And if we don’t get it we get frustrated… But marriage was not created to give instant gratification, but to develop within our hearts and souls compassion, empathy and concern. This is why marriage in our literature is called Kiddushin.

True love grows in the context of that relationship. Real love is not something that always precedes a relationship. Shared values and experiences, growing and struggling together…each person putting the other person first in their priorities creates a deep love that goes beyond the physical.
A verse in Genesis makes this point: “Therefore shall the person forsake his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.” Does this mean that you forget about your parents once you get married? Here’s a nice interpretation. Leaving your father and mother means leaving the attitude of a child. Sometimes we enter a marriage and expect what we got from our parents. Our parents served our needs, gave and gave. Forsaking father and mother means forsaking the child mindset and assuming adult maturity.

Part of becoming a giver is learning to be a taker. Paradoxically, we truly only give when we learn to take. This may be a challenge. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for another is not just to give, but also be open to taking. In a marriage, it is important that we communicate a sense of our spouse’s importance, to build up their self-esteem and value. It’s a hard attribute to muster, because we have an innate desire to be self-sufficient. We like to send the message, “No, I don’t need the help. I’m the wage earner.” Yet sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to show some vulnerability and be willing to receive what the other desperately desires to give. The way we truly make another person feel cherished and treasured, is not by demonstrating the kindness of the noble martyr, but by showing that you respect and appreciate what they can give. That, in turn will give our spouse a sense of inner worth, value, and significance.

Rabbi Yitzchok Breitowitz received a BS, Johns Hopkins University 1976; JD,Harvard Law School 1979, Magna Cum Laude;Rabbinical Ordination, Ner Israel Rabbinical College,1976. Rabbi Breitowitz is the author of many articles and is a frequent lecturer on the interface of medical, legal and family ethics and Jewish law.