The Talmud observes that "He who has 100, wants 200." Gratitude doesn’t come naturally.

My daughter wanted a Pound Puppy Playhouse for her birthday. Finding none at the local toy store, she convinced me to go to Kmart, but there too, a clerk shrugged, “If it isn’t on the shelf . . .” Driven to please, I braved the traffic out to Toys “R” Us, where a salesperson directed us to the Pound Puppy section.

For three days, she and the Pound Puppy Playhouse did not part. She slept with it, and took it along to the dentist. But then it was over. The pink plastic case sat forlorn; she now longed for a Backstreet Boys CD.

Can Longing for Bad Things Be Good?
A couple in my parenting class summed it up: “We want Molly not to want so much.” Seven-year-old Molly was basically good, but “she's driving us crazy asking for things! She wants a moon bounce and a petting zoo at her birthday party.”

Molly’s parents had no idea where to draw the line. When they said no to Molly, she complained that they were mean. When they said yes, she wanted more. “Sometimes when I look at her, I see this spoiled little princess-the kind of child I swore I’d never raise!” the father cried.

Longing isn’t all bad. It's how we deal with our longing that counts.

Studying the dynamics of desire, the Talmudic rabbis concluded that everyone is born with both a yetzer tov (impulse for good) and a yetzer hara (impulse for evil).

The yetzer hara’s drive and ambition also has value. Indeed, the evil impulse contains our strongest traits. Curiosity and ambition are yetzer hara driven. Without desire, we’d have no marriage, no children, no homes or businesses.

Ambition should be contained, not eliminated. Basic to human survival, it's our igniting spark. We live by balancing two forces: burning passion and self-restraint, and we serve G-d with both our good and bad impulses.

Deed over Creed
The Jewish priority of deed over creed provides a solution. Doing the right thing is more important than feeling the correct feeling, so while it is okay to desire things that aren't necessary, we must try to redirect our actions.

Talmudic wisdom and modern child psychology agree here. Behavioral therapy believes that changed behavior can lead to changed feelings. If we limit our children's whining and begging by encouraging them to perform good deeds, the kids will eventually be less greedy and more grateful.

We can deal better with our children’s materialistic cravings if we say to ourselves, “This spirited, impassioned young being is magnificent in the intensity of her desires and brilliant locutions of her argument. I respect her zeal, but will help her develop a stronger yetzer tov. So I will say a calm and emphatic no to the Beanie Babies, but I won’t criticize her for desiring them.”

Rather than try to eliminate longing, redirect it. Let’s learn to accept “no” graciously, and appreciate the blessings we do have. Your reason for denying your child's myriad requests has a larger context: you are teaching self-control, practice in redirecting impulses, and strengthening the capacity for gratitude.

Rhetorical Questions
Although they didn't try the old-fashioned ploy, “Think of the starving children in China who’d be grateful to have what you have,” Molly’s parents used an ineffective modern version: “Molly, don't you think you already have enough Beanie Babies?” Molly's standard response was to roll her eyes or issue a frank rebuttal: “No, Mom, fifteen isn’t enough if I don't have Stinky or Snort.”

Molly’s parents hoped that their rhetorical questions would lead her to what psychologists call an “aha” experience: “Gee, Mom, you're right, I didn't realize how many Beanie Babies I already have.” But there is no “aha” reaction because the impulse is too strong and focused. Molly wasn't looking for insight; she simply wanted more Beanie Babies.

Logic and Reason
Some parents try to reason with their children rather than punish them. An earnest father might say, “Let's think this through together. If five boys sleep over you’ll be up all night and too tired the next day to enjoy the Space Museum.” To which his son will reply, “No we won’t. We'll just have fun at night and then have more fun the next day.”

Explaining cause and effect rarely works with children, because their passion overwhelms their capacity for logic. The rationale for not spending $120 on a pair of shoes that one will outgrow in three months is lost on them.

No matter how profound your lecture, it may not impact on the strength of your child's desires. Don’t bother talking to the yetzer hara—it doesn't speak “parent.”

When we encounter children afflicted with the gimmes, use a different approach to teach moderation and gratitude.

Cultivating Gratitude
The problem of taking what we have for granted is mentioned in Deuteronomy’s Divine rebuke, for feeling deprived when we “have plenty of everything” but “without happiness and a glad heart.” Of course, covetousness made it to the list of the top Ten Commandments.

The rabbis respect our passions but caution us against overindulgence. Jewish tradition converts natural desires into good impulses via prayers of gratitude called “blessings,” 100 a day! Observant Jews begin their waking day with the blessing: “Thank you, G-d, for returning my soul to me.” The next blessing is said after going to the bathroom for, wondrously, “the tubes and passages that should be open are open, and those that should be closed are closed.” They say another prayer before breakfast, thanking G-d for the food. Throughout the day, they continue to give thanks at every opportunity. There's even a blessing for when bad things happen: “Thank you, G-d, the true judge, for this test of my spiritual elevation.” These prayers increase our awareness of good fortune.

The rabbis knew how easily we slip from counting our blessings to counting and coveting things, money, and neighbors' spouses. Gratitude is a character trait that needs constant vigilance.

To effectively teach and cultivate gratitude, parents must start with themselves. If you are prone to raise your mood by a trip to the mall or maintain your status by keeping up with the Ornsteins, your children will pick up the message that acquiring things is the way to cheer up. Even if we manage to get our children to stop asking for so many things, they won't learn how to be grateful unless they see us practicing gratitude. No one is born feeling grateful; it's an acquired skill.

• Don’t let mall visits become your most frequent family outing. Consider visiting the park, museum, or library; or go for a walk around the neighborhood instead.

•Avoid saying how much you want to own things advertised in the media.

• Don't use the word need when you really mean want.

• Notice how much you verbalize your envy for other people's things in front of the children.

• Teach your child non monetary ways to delay gratification. Instead of doing a lot of shopping for a forthcoming vacation, say, “I'm really excited about going to Arizona. Let's go to the library and check out books on the Grand Canyon.”

Giving As A Way to Say Thank You
Giving to others can also be a way to acknowledge one’s blessings. In Judaism everyone is supposed to think of themselves as having more than they need. Even the poorest person is obligated to find someone in greater need and to share what he has with him.

Tikkun olam (healing or repairing the world) conveys the idea that if we are blessed with abundance, it's because G-d wants us to use it to help others.

Judaism teaches that we’ve been given the gift of life in order to use it to make the world better. If your child is disappointed about a canceled play date, you might say, “Jonah’s mom called to say he can’t play with you today because he’s sick. Let’s make a get-well card to help him get better faster.”

This is not a yes-or-no question, but a sentence that starts with the magical parenting word “let's.” In a situation like this you have the chance to help your child transform his disappointment into a kind and generous act.

Words alone rarely teach children much about the good of giving rather than receiving. The key to getting this message across is letting your child use his leadership ability and judgment to help others. On Thanksgiving (or anytime), you might say, “Let's go to the food bank and help fill the bags. I know you'll be good at picking out stuff for families with children your age.”

Longing Is Also A Blessing
Children who get most of their desires satisfied right away don’t have a chance to appreciate what they've got. Getting one's wishes granted immediately doesn't make us more grateful or content. On the contrary, it makes her less appreciative and more acquisitive. This is what our grandmothers meant when they talked about “spoiled” children—what got spoiled was the child's capacity for waiting, satisfaction, and gratitude.

It takes determination and self-discipline to teach these lessons to children, but when you do, they'll reward you by counting their blessings instead of counting what they want.