The children in the close-knit neighborhood used to help their friendly neighbor, a Jewish athletic coach who had a way with kids. He gave them treats, always had a smile and a game, and earned the trust of the parents. Imagine the shock when one child confided to his mom that the man had been exposing himself to the kids for several years, as “just a game.”

Leah sent her son to a boarding school that offered personal attention. She was concerned when the supervision of the boys seemed weak and sporadic, but was mollified when the administration kept assuring her that all was fine. To her dismay she learned that her gut feeling was right; halfway through the year word got out that a dorm counselor was molesting a student and offering him prizes to keep quiet.

These recent incidents in the Jewish community shatter a prevalent myth about child predators and abusers. These heinous acts are seldom committed by a shadowy character in a trench coat lurking on the edge of the park. About 90% of child abuse is committed by someone who has developed a relationship of trust with the child, someone they know and perhaps even love, often someone within their community, school or camp.

Yechezkel “Chezy” Goldberg was a Jerusalem based social worker passionately striving to educate the Jewish community about abuse. (He was brutally murdered in a 2004 terrorist attack). In a series of articles, he elaborated on this issue.

”It’s hard to face that someone we know — even like — might be an abuser. But the statistical data is accurate. Consider yourself warned. Pedophiles confess how they exert enormous energies building trust with their victims. The fact that pedophiles often operate in positions where they have influence and trust of parents and children is validated by the reality that pedophiles do not commit the crime once and stop. Child abusers molest repeatedly. Often, when cases finally come to light, it is discovered that abusers worked on whole groups of children in schools, communities and families. Trusted, they continue to operate.”

There used to be a myth that: “Such things don’t happen among Jews!” As with other social ills like domestic violence and alcoholism, Jews are not immune. The statistics on abuse are constant for every religious denomination and socio-economic level- they apply to our kids too.

To fight abuse, the Jewish community must learn to overcome a prevalent attitude- the Shanda factor. “Shanda,” a Yiddish term meaning disgrace, is often the initial response to the uncovering of child abuse in Jewish settings. Rabbi Mark Dratch, director of JSafe, elaborates. “These ills exist despite the denials, despite the skepticism that such ugly behavior exists among our people always so proud of our exemplary home-life; despite the fear that exposing them will bring Jews into disrepute; and despite the apprehension that our reputations will be tarnished.”

Denial is unhealthy in all types of abuse. But secrecy, shame and hesitancy to confront are especially favorable to creating the climate in which the child predator can thrive. "Child abuse is a disease of secrecy," says Dr. Robert Bloom, director of Chicago's Jewish Children's Bureau. "Like cleaning out a boil, you have to open it up before you can treat the underlying problem."

Dratch elaborates on the problems caused by denial. “Denial and shame make the victims of parents of victims reluctant to come forward. We like to portray an image of ideal communities. It IS important for our young people to have a positive image that they look up to. The problem is when we don’t talk about issues that are real and not perfect. We have to find ways to educate our communities and our leaders and have appropriate conversations about issues like abuse.”

Rabbi Dratch turns the Shanda/Shame issue on its head. “The biggest shanda is when the community covers up these problems. We are not judged by the non-Jewish world by the incidents of abuse themselves. Unfortunately, they can happen. We are judged by the way we take responsibility for them.”

Some Jews are hesitant to report abuse, because they think it may be Loshon Hara (slander) or being a moser (a forbidden informer). Child abuse is a crime and clear violation of Torah and civil law. It is illegal in many states to withhold information about known or even suspected child abuse — and the one who withholds it is criminally liable. The term moser is used when informing to a hostile, anti-Semitic government, not a tolerant democracy whose judicial system is poised to help. Indeed, “the scourge of abuse can only be beaten if we form partnerships with the police, courts and mental health system who have the critical authority and resources,” asserts Rabbi Dratch.

Dr. Bloom says that people are afraid of being sued if they report on a person who turns out to be innocent. But this is unfounded; one can only be sued if there was clear malicious intent. “It doesn’t matter if they were on the planet Mars when the abuse occurred- they have no legal authority to sue you. You’re not supposed to be sure before you report; you just have to be suspicious.”

The beautiful qualities that endear Jewish life can be a breeding ground for a pedophile; the emphasis on modesty and privacy, the warmth and openness, and orientation toward seeing people in a positive vein and judging them favorably.

Should we then live in isolation, suspicion and mistrust? “Don’t separate yourself from the community,” our sages advise. Communal support is integral to Jewish living. But, we cannot stick our heads in the sand or be foolishly naïve. By learning about the issues and signs, being aware and alert, we can properly educate and protect our children.

Communities can be a tremendous source of mutual strength and support in coping with the destruction wrought by child abuse. Once the true nature of the neighborhood pedophile described in the beginning of this article came to light, the community rallied, holding educational meetings at the school and inviting a panel of police, mental health professionals and clergy to address the concerned parents. The children and parents who first came forward were lauded as brave and heroic, rather than being ostracized. The community charted a course of action to help all the children, those directly and indirectly affected, to heal.

What happens to the victims? When children are violated by someone who was in a position of trust, they feel betrayal. It’s not easy for them to trust again. They may feel a betrayal of love, guilt, shame, isolation, powerlessness and fear. Greater anger, fear and confusion may be generated if the perpetrator was a religious figure, which can involve anger towards G-d. Parental and communal patience and support, plus time and therapy are needed to heal.

Jewish clergy and mental health professionals are working to change the modus operandi of the Jewish community and create vehicles for better preventative monitoring, reporting and treatment.
Among them are:

JSafe: The Jewish Institute Supporting An Abuse Free Environment is an organization led by Rabbi Mark Dratch, which provides a certification program for communal institutions, publications and educational initiatives. Jsafe.org

Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services of Brooklyn NY, has therapy and treatment programs for both victims and perpetrators, sensitive to Jewish needs. Ohelfamily.org

The Awareness Center is a coalition of Jewish mental health practitioners dedicated to building awareness in the Jewish community. Awarenesscenter.org

Shalom Task Force (888)883-2323 Hotline and information on rabbinic, legal and counseling services for victims of abuse in the Jewish community

Faith Trust Institute www.faithtrustinstitute.org A clearinghouse for information on domestic violence and clergy abuse in the Jewish community

Sources for internet and general safety include kidsafe.com. More information is available online, through family service agencies and the library.

Through preventative education must do all we can to protect our precious children and make our communal institutions truly wholesome and safe.